Fire!

I´ve been electrocuted once or twice, not totally by choice. And anyone who was in Spain with me knows that I´ve been burned. But, never in my life have I had anything explode with me around it, save a truck carrying jet fuel in Moracco; but i was reasonably far away. That almost all changed today. We have a stove/oven appliance in our kitchen. I have never seen an actualy bomb, but this thing looks like it came from one of the una-bomber´s nightmares. The stove/oven looks like it was made around the time of World War II, and it may have been sitting outside since 1951. Attached to it, is our 13kg gas tank. I don´t actually know how much gas is in this metal container, but I can assume that if it were to blow up it would probably destroy our apartment and probably all of the apartments above and below us. A guy on a motorcycle came to the place today with the gas tank on the back of his bike. Our landlord was on hand when she arrived at the request of John and I. We wanted her to show us how to use it. They attached the tank and turned on one of the burners. The guy who brought the tank lit a match. In that instant, our landlord lost all of her arm hair, and the "gas man" burnt his hand pretty bad but walked away with his eye brows, barely. Needless to say, the burner was lit. "it works!" declared our landlord. John and I almost cried. So about an hour ago, John and I were trying to cook our first meal at home. I was cutting vegetables. John struck a match near the stove and the entire area underneath the burners began glowing. Now normally glowing is a word that inspires awe or closer inspection. This particular orange glow was fire inside our applaince, and this particular glow inspired terror. "Fire! Shut it off!" We managed to get it contained, but we were a little shaken up. Round two we thought. I got to light it this time. I lit one of the back burners the flame came out from the appropriate spot, a little large, but ok. All of a sudden, the flame jumped another burner was lit. That is not suppose to happen, ever. "Shut it off!" That was twice. There is a saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." So what did we do? we tried again. I lit the other back burner the flame was out of hand and there didnt seem to be any shutting it off. Again we get nervous, I try to blow it out and fail. We shut the gas off at the source, the big metal "pipe bomb" object standing next to the stove. We were done being stupid. We went to our landlord and asked for a new stove. She asked why. John responded that it was dangerous, very dangerous. She agreed, most likely remebering the searing of her arm from the afternoon. So tomorrow, we get a new stove. But, I am using the word "new" very loosely. I´m using the word "new" to replace different. I just hope that it was made within John or my lifetime. That´s not asking to much is it?
Other than that, we have a pretty serious pest problem in the apartment, and we are trying to get that under control. If you have never seen tropical bugs, its scary. The Brazilian airforce. They have flying cockroaches here that spit acid into your eyes that can case blindness. An endless population of mosquitos, and other flying bugs that look like 747´s. I saw a spider the size of a bar coaster that was camofluged with a rock except for its large orange fangs, and orange under belly. I'm guessing it was posinous but I did not want it to bite me and find out. Other than that they have cockroaches, ants, and a bunch of other fun creatures. we were also told that at some point during our stay here we will be walking around barefoot, and something will inject itself into our skin and lay its eggs. These eggs will evntually hatch. I do not want this to happen to me, not one bit. The cure for this ailment having someone stick a hot sterilized needle at the spot of infection. Awesome, I can´t wait. At least it would be a reason to get drunk. I don´t like needles or bugs, if this happens to me, both will be underneath my skin simeltaneously. I will need something to drink. Probably a bottle of Cachaça, the cane rum that is everywhere in Brazil. It´s potent and goes well with sugar, limes, and ice. I will need to drink it straight. Anyway, we are getting kicked out of the internet cafe, its time for people to go home. I still owe you the story of my first time on a surf board. Its not all that cool, but it was terrifying so you can hear about it. By the way, a Hammerhead shark was recently caught of the coast of one of the beaches around here. Those eat people. So all is well as you can tell. Everyone behave.